I’ve talked about how awesome my grandma is, so I think it’s time to talk about my mom. First of all, she’s the best. But I never expected her to have particularly enlightening things to say on the subject of technology. That is, until this weekend. But I’ll start from the beginning.
It’s not that she can’t work the DVD remote, it’s just…why? My dad is always there to handle that mess, just like she’s always there to make sure he eats and stuff stays clean. It’s a symbiotic relationship that just works.
But I live in an entirely different world. I live in a world in which the moment you wonder how to cut a mango, Google will be there to provide 8,790,000 answers, 1,040 of which will be YouTube videos providing step-by-step instructions. And I love that world.
At our best, we’re constantly comparing, collaborating and making things better. We consider how to enrich our own lives, improve efficiency in our businesses, and affect people around us in a positive way. At our worst, we take the quick and easy fix, we demand to be treated like kings in a land of peasants, and we hole ourselves up in our houses, consuming and grandstanding until we slowly bleed out progress like leeches.
That’s the world I live in, for better or worse. But it’s not the world my mom lives in. So when I asked about her laptop, I wasn’t exactly expecting this answer:
Me: So, Mom, how do you like your new laptop?
My mom: Oh, it’s fine. I don’t know, it’s like underwear; I’m not really going to do anything different with it, I just need it to work.
My mother, ladies and gentlemen. Hilarious, smart, and straight-forward.
And she has a point. Why should she care about the difference between Windows 7 and Windows XP, as long as the keyboard doesn’t stick and Quickbooks take less than ten minutes to open? If your underwear gets holes in it, you just buy new underwear. Sure, you can pick up something flashy just for kicks, but does it really matter?
I guess I feel that way about some things. The type of umbrella I use doesn’t really matter, I just need it to keep me fairly dry. I don’t care how democracy works, just as long as guerrillas don’t break into my house and murder me. (Not to be confused with actual gorillas, although that would also be unfortunate.)
Now, some people care a lot more about umbrellas and politics than I do, which is totally fine. It’s probably good, because what if some fool decided umbrellas should have holes in them? That would suck.
So, to all of you people who care about the stuff I don’t, thank you. And if you don’t care about the things I care about, that’s totally fine. As long as you’re not actively destroying those things, I’ll be okay. It’s not going to stop me from trying to explain why I care about them, but I’m sure we can work something out.
* * * * * *
Mark Wahlberg illustrating what happens when people don’t stay on top of the whole government issue.
This is an oldie but goodie from CollegeHumor, addressing the sins of Alanis Morissette (AKA The Destroyer of Languages).
It’s true, World, the word ironic does not equal tragic, unfortunate or coincidental. If you’re tempted to use the word ironic and you’re not sure what ironic means, instead say:
“Oh em gee…that’s so surprising and/or depressing!”
Happy Friday, everyone!
♥ Kara
Actually Ironic - CollegeHumor
And old man turned 98
Won the lottery and died the next day
(Of a shock-induced heart attack)
It’s a black fly in your chardonnay
(Poured to celebrate your apartment fumigation)
A death row pardon two minutes too late
(The governor was too busy watching Dead Man Walking)
And isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?
It’s rain at a dehydration victim’s funeral
It’s a free ride to your bankruptcy trial
It’s good advice to never listen to me
And who would have thought?
It figures
Mr. Play-it-Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his two kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought,
“Now I’ll never make it to that fear of flying seminar”
And isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?
It’s like rain flooding an umbrella factory
It’s a free ride to an over-priced car dealership
It’s good advice from the guy who just got you fired
And who would have thought?
It figures
Traffic jam when you’re already late
(To receive an award for reducing automobile congestion)
A “No Smoking” sign on your cigarette break
(At R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company)
It’s 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife
(To rob a soup kitchen)
It’s meeting the man of my dreams, then meeting his beautiful wife
(Who’s also my relationship therapist)
And isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?
A little too ironic
Yeah, I really do think
It’s like rain on your wedding day
(To the Egyptian Sun God Ra)
It’s a free ride when you’ve already paid
(For a stolen car)
It’s good advice someone advised you not to take
And who would have thought?
It figures
I have a funny way of defining rhetorical devices that I use in songs
Yeah such a funny, funny way of getting things wrong
My grandma is awesome. Talk to me about any woman over the age of 80 and I guarantee I’ll come up with three reasons why my grandma is cooler.
First of all, she’s hilarious, and 80% of the time it’s on purpose. She’s also insanely determined. She and my grandpa raised five boys while he was in the military, dragging them across Europe from base to base before ending up back in California. And she has crazy stories.
I could tell you all about the ridiculous situations my grandma got into while growing up on a farm in Nebraska, including being forced to sleep a night between a married couple in the most epic case of a babysitting job gone terribly wrong. I could tell you how she woke up one morning and decided to drive to California at 18 because she didn’t want to live and die in the same small town.
She’s battled lovesick guys, ran from a nudist after the Hollywood parade, and even gotten her hand caught in a lawn mower. Basically, she’s a gangster.
But as funny and courageous and intelligent as she is, like most 80-year-olds, she does not understand technology.
Which is why it was so funny when she handed me this when I visited her today.
“Grandma, this is an old Nintendo 64 game, where did you get it?”
“Well Florence came over with some things for the cats. Her cat just died, you see, she had it for 11 years. And with her husband just dying a few years ago, it’s really very sad. But she didn’t need those things anymore, so she brought over a bed and some toys and catnip - the cats just love those toys, they’ve been playing with them all around the house - and this was in there. I guess she thought I could get some amusement out of it.”
My mom and I looked at each other.
“Grandma, this is a game. Does she have grand-kids who used to have a Nintendo 64 or something? It must have accidentally fallen in there.”
My mom leaned over to look at it. “It’s rated ‘M’ for mature,” she observed. “See, I know to stay away from things like that because I just won’t like it.”
“Well, it was in a separate bag with the catnip, she must have thought I could use it,” my grandma surmised.
I raised my eyebrows at my mom and she murmured, “There’s no way she meant to give it to her, unless she’s just crazy,” then turned to my grandma and said, “Mom, this is a game, you need a certain kind of player for this.”
“It’s a fighting game,” I added.
“Yeah, Mom, it’s a - you fight people in this game, and you need the right, uh, the right player.”
“Well, I thought so. I didn’t think it would fit in that video player you kids bought me.”
My mom and I looked at the DVD/VHS player she was gesturing toward and nodded.
“Yeah, Grandma, it’s a video game, it’s not like a movie, you need an actual video game console. And this is kind of an old one. If it did belong to her grandchildren, I don’t think they play it anymore.”
Note to self: Saying “video” game doesn’t really help explain why it doesn’t make sense to try to put it in a “video player.”
“Maybe she didn’t know what it was for,” my mom offered.
“I thought maybe if I pushed this part,” my grandma said, pushing on the inside of the cartridge, “that maybe something would come out. I thought it was something for brushing the cats’ coats, to make them shine, but that wasn’t it either.”
To my grandma’s credit, she laughed at this, but that didn’t make the thought of her trying to brush her cats with a Nintendo 64 cartridge any less funny.
“Well, Grandma, I can just take it if you want. I have an old 64 in storage somewhere. I can put it with the rest of my games.”
A worried look passed over my grandma’s face. “Oh, I don’t know, maybe your mother wouldn’t want you to have it.”
I don’t know what was funnier, the fact that she was under the assumption that my mom had anything to do with my choices in entertainment, or that she thought I would actually want to play it. But both of those realities seemed like too much to get into at the moment.
“I won’t play it, Grandma, I’ll probably just sell it or something.”
Technically, I’m assuming I’ll forget about it and find it 10 years from now and throw it in the trash, but that falls under the category of “something.”
My grandma brightened. “Oh, well then, that’s good!”
And it was good. I got to visit my grandma, I got an old crappy video game cartridge out of it, I’m assuming Florence can go on thinking she gave her friend some kind of helpful and/or entertaining gift to go along with her bag of catnip, and my grandma is no closer to understanding what a video game actually is.
But that’s life. You start to get older and suddenly nothing makes sense. The good thing is, you still have the ability to entertain your kids and grandchildren with your crazy exploits, all the way from the time you dyed your hair a crazy color to get back at your husband for being nit-picky about the way you presented yourself to his boss, to the time your friend gave you a copy of Mortal Kombat on 64 because she thought you could use it.
I guess what I’m saying is, life will always be full of adventures. And something about that makes me a feel a little better about getting older.
